So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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