I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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