JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
