he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
