dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
