I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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