i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It was confusing and full of hummus
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
