saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
