i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I pour the whiskey from now on
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
