ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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