hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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