toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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