i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
