Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.