Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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