our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
