I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
