how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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