Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
