I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
