I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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