yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
