I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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