remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
