So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
