Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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