Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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