I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
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Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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