Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
