Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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