Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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