when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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