youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
