I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far