either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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