I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
