why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
