i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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