I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
