my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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