An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
