tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
