that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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