Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.