But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
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Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand