Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
