the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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