My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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