yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
