Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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