Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
