So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
