Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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