If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
