I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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