Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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