The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
