The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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