You're completely useless in the revolution.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
